tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
