Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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