YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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