Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I will die if light touches me.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
