There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
