I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
