Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
