She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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