Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
