The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
