I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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