dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
