I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
