she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
