saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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