Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
