Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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