You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
