It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
