Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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