We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize