is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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