he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
