Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
