Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
