he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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