i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize