i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
