I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I could fuck to npr.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
