I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
