I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
