Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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