I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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