good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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