Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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