I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My ass is underappreciated
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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