You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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