today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
