i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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