i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
