We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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