sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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