If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
