'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
