he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
