i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
