I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wish there were birth control emojis
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
