everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
