I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Randomize
