That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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