Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize