I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
