How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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