I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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