Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
