you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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