Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I need help removing her.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I did not marry a roomba.
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