I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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