I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
