I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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