Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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