According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
