i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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