Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
