Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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